And even if they go away, they come back. Jim: Cynthia, that makes total sense, but I need to ask that question, what if you feel as a parent, that relationship with that , year-old has gone beyond? Maybe you've had that encounter and it didn't work out that way. You've, in essence, you've lost the relationship.
What can you do to begin to reestablish it? It's difficult. It's not easy and it's said that it takes a while and you start small, you know. And maybe if they don't want to talk to you, you send 'em a text or you leave a yellow Post-It note. And you just have to prove over time. And there are some heartbreaking things of when it really does look too late. Cynthia: I was just in Topeka, Kansas and spoke to a staff of a high school that is totally enclosed in a maximum security prison for juveniles. And these are 8 th through 12 th graders who are rapists and murderers and they are just so far gone in many ways.
And yet, that staff for example, they really care about those kids. And they do whatever they can. And sometimes it's a teacher who brings them back. Cynthia: You pray, if you can't reach 'em, you pray, "Lord, bring somebody across their path. Would You just, because only the Holy Spirit can change a heart. I can't change a heart. I can't change a life. Whether you want to hear it or not, you cannot do it without God.
You cannot. He has to supernaturally bring that relationship back and I've seen Him do it over and over, even when it's not easy. Jim: Well, and John, that's a great place to remind folks that we have a counseling center here at Focus. Jim: And if you're struggling in that parenting role, let us be there for you. Call us. The key is, Cynthia, never giving up hope. I think Cynthia: And I'm so thankful, by the way, for Focus and the services that they provide with the counseling and with the resources.
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I recommend wholeheartedly and do it frequently to parents who write me and others. It's just so important to have a faith-based resource like that. Jim: Well, we so appreciate that and again, we're there for you, so call us and John, you'll give all those details at the end.
Jim: Cynthia, you also talk about the top 10 tips for bringing out the best in your strong-willed child. And we don't have to go through all We'll post those on the website Jim: But let's cover a few of them and Jean and I Chuckling and John, jump in here, because we all have strong-willed children. The first one is value my ability to see the world from a unique perspective. Chuckling Again, the theme here, Cynthia is that we as parents, have got to understand that our children are unique people, created in the image of God.
I don't know what age a parent clicks all of a sudden and say, "Okay, you can now think for yourself. Jim: But there has to come that point in time when a parent does make that cognitive transition to say, "My fourth-grader can really think on his feet now and I need to come back with honesty. Jim: I can't trick them. I can't manipulate them. I've got to treat them like a human being that understands their circumstances.
Cynthia: Yeah, yeah, definitely. And sometimes just to reinforce my strengths to say, you know, I have never known anyone like you. You are the most amazing person; you are the most unique combination of traits. I can't wait to see what you'll look like as an adult. I mean, just to be able to say that and then you may have to go ahead and give me the punishment and I may have to be held accountable, but just the fact that you said that to me is goin', "Oh, you know, you recognized it.
Besides who gets to decide what's normal, you know? My learning style seminars and stuff, you know, we'll compare the little profiles and everybody's is different. And so, I ask 'em, okay, which one of you is normal? Laughter And I'll Cynthia: --and so, how are you gonna do that? You've got a kid who's totally unique. Capitalize on it. Mention it and focus on the strengths of it, so that when you have to intervene with the weakness and the limitations and the wrongness of it, you've also balanced it with Cynthia: -- with the strengths that you can say, "What a great strength that is Jean: And I think what's an important aspect of that is, recognizing that our way isn't the right way.
And we Jim: --for you and the way God has wired you, that's a very important thing, that you do think that I've got it analytically. I can take all the pieces in and tell you what the answer is. But sometimes people that don't have that ability have to learn through failure. And it's hard as a parent to let your child fail. Cynthia: But this is so valuable. I mean, I'd love to take Jean with me to these other parents and they … look, here's somebody who's highly analytic, who is highly organized and is, you know, oriented this way, but r ecognizes that the relationship trumps everything.
Cynthia: And that, I'm never gonna get what I need to get if I don't have the relationship. And I love what you've done and how you've expressed to those listeners out there who think just like you. They don't think like Jim and me, who are, you know, like the intuitive, big picture, you know, just kinda comes natural and easy.
You think more like my husband and like so many others, like 50 percent of the population out there of parents who are going, Uuh! Jean: But it is a journey. It has been a journey and I think that's very important for people to realize, that we need to be growing. Jim: Hm. In fact, when you look at this list of 10, that was No. And again, John will post these on the website. Jim: --so, so wise. It's choose your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. Again, we as parents, we think everything's big.
And it's hard for us to prioritize and to lose any battle. But some battles, they're not worth the effort, because they're not going to negatively impact your child's character, as you said earlier. Jim: Are there methods that you use to differentiate between the big, the medium and the small battles? Cynthia: Well, of course, that can be on an individual basis. Again, I think the ones that we all agree at this table, the physical safety battles and the moral and spiritual values Cynthia: --battles. But even within those, you have to decide, okay, how important is it that he doesn't get the tattoo?
Cynthia: You know, it's where you say, oh, I don't want this to happen and I hate it and I don't approve of it. Does it put his eternal soul in peril? Does it endanger the household? Or does it just tick me off? And then I have to differentiate. And a lot of times we'll find if you back off of some of those, they really aren't that much of an issue.
Cynthia: I give a quick example with Robert.
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He was kinda strong-willed, too, but the end of his sophomore year in high school, his whole sophomore year, he grew his hair out long and he always, you know, preened and primped his hair. And Laughter his brother just you know, rode him mercilessly about it and Cynthia: --and Laughter he was all about his hair, right.
So I pick him up at the last day of school and he gets in the car and he goes, "I've decided this summer I'm going to spray paint my hair Kelly green. So, we start to drive out and I said, "Well, Rob, we'll go by the drugstore and I'll buy that dye for you. It's gonna make it very brittle. And in order to Cynthia: --keep your hair nice, we have to really buy a heavy-duty conditioner. Cynthia: --yeah. If you can get yourself to just say, okay, put your hand physically over your mouth and think, okay, he's tryin' to get me.
Laughter He's tryin' to see, is she gonna make this John: It is so important to know that your child is really tryin' to push your buttons and we've learned how to deal with that on today's "Focus on the Family" with Jim Daly. We've had Jean Daly and a self-proclaimed strong-willed individual and expert on kids, who are strong-willed, Cynthia Tobias. Jim: Way to play it safe, John.
I like the "self-proclaimed" part. You know, Cynthia always has excellent examples that help expand the way we think of things. So often, we try to do the same thing over and over with our children and guess what? We get the same results. I hope that what Cynthia shared this time and last time will expand your thinking a bit. I know it does for me. And as I mentioned a moment ago, don't sweat the small stuff and it is mostly small stuff. I think the extra articles and other programs we've done with Cynthia should help point you in the right direction.
And you know what? I would say it's applicable to all of life, not just child-rearing. John: Yeah, these are really good, important, valuable principles that Cynthia shares there, that are exactly that--applicable to all of life. Jim: It changes the way you do relationship and that's actually the greater good. One reader said, "It really opened my eyes to how I was approaching my daughter in the wrong ways and how simple changes in my tone and questions I ask her can really make a difference in how she responds.
Your parenting skills are gonna benefit after you read this book. And we'd be happy, let me say "honored" to send you that book when you make a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family. Our program today was provided by Focus on the Family and made possible by generous listeners like you. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for listening in.
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I'm John Fuller, hoping you have a great weekend and inviting you back on Monday for a fascinating firsthand account of growing up in the segregated 60's. I hope you'll join us then. Provides practical tips on navigating difficult issues with middle schoolers including physical changes, social issues, self-centeredness and emotional control. Hundreds of babies are abandoned on the streets of Seoul, South Korea every year, but one brave pastor has made it his mission to save them.
This powerful true story comes to life in The Drop Box. Browse helpful articles on sub-topics like creative discipline, disciplinary approaches, handling behavior problems and more. Jean Daly became a Christian in 2nd grade and rededicated her life to Christ at Jean has been married to her husband, Jim, since ; they have two boys.
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Episode Transcript Opening: Recap: Cynthia Tobias: One of my favorite stories, I was working with police officer, um women police officers and they were all parents, all high-command level police officers and they had started kind of around, and they said, this one gal from Nova Scotia, she said, "Look I'm a good cop. Laughter Jim Daly: Right. So, that's that-- Jim: Oh, that's … yeah.
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Cynthia: --you know, practice, practice, practice, again, but-- Jean Daly: Well, and-- Cynthia: --she's so funny. Like-- Cynthia: Yeah. Jean: --like your friend, the-- Cynthia: 'Cause you're the big person. Jean: --police officer. Cynthia: You're the-- Jean: Yes. Cynthia: --you're the authority. John Fuller: Hm. Don't you-- Jim: They can't live-- Cynthia: --understand? Jim: --comfortably in that.
End of Recap John: Well, it may sound like you're right in the middle of a conversation and really, Jim, we are. The words are sometimes difficult, because from the strong-willed aspect, even as a parent, it's very difficult for me to say I'm sorry, sometimes because it sounds like it's scripted, like you-- John: Uh-hm.
But I'm still terrible at saying I was-- Jim: She can't say it. Laughter Cynthia: --wrong, you know. Laughter John: Wrong. Laughter Jim: And come on, you can do it, Cynthia. Cynthia: "I don't apologize for what I asked you to do, but I do think I have to rethink how I asked you to do it and I think I owe you an apology," because then you're gonna get a whole lot more respect from me-- John: Hm.
Cynthia: Because if you never say you're sorry, they probably won't either. Jim: So, takin' out the trash doesn't fit really any of those categories. Although if refusing to take out the trash is a sign of disrespect-- Jim: Hm. Cynthia: --that's a "go-to-the-wall" issue. Jim: Right. Jim: Yeah, right. Chuckling Cynthia: So the most important thing is … Jim: Have you been talkin 'to our children? Jim: Uh-hm. Cynthia: And how do I know what's gonna happen next in his life or mine? Jim: Oh, it's well-- Cynthia: And we just forget to keep eternity in view.
And-- Cynthia: It is. Jim: --love doesn't always have great definition other than … Cynthia: And it costs a lot.
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Jim: Laughing Never. Laughter Cynthia: Let me just say how it works. Jim: Well, thank you, Cynthia. And I have yet to run across a strong-willed child of any age who at least figuratively wouldn't almost always rather have-- Jean: The ticket. Cynthia: --the ticket!
Laughter That's right, because-- Jean: Absolutely. Cynthia: --you rant; you rave. You're going-- Jean: Yes. Jean: Absolutely. Jim: --hittin' where it's tender. Jean: Right. Cynthia: --if we didn't have-- Jean: Oh. Cynthia: --a relationship that he wanted to keep, he wouldn't have done that. John: Uh-hm.
Jim: Laughing Cynthia: And you could just see, just a little bit of revenge, a little.
Jim and John: Hm. John: Hm. I think-- Cynthia: That's right. Jim: --once you lose hope, you've lost it all. John: Sure will. We'll post those on the website-- John: Uh-hm. Jim: --as well. John: Sure. Is-- Cynthia: That's right. Jim: --that what you're getting at with-- Cynthia: Yeah. Jim: --point one. Laughter And I'll-- Jim: That's a great question. Mention it and focus on the strengths of it, so that when you have to intervene with the weakness and the limitations and the wrongness of it, you've also balanced it with-- John: Uh-hm.
Cynthia: -- with the strengths that you can say, "What a great strength that is-- John: Uh-hm. Cynthia: --and used in the right way is gonna be incredible. This-- Jim: That's great different-- Cynthia: --shouldn't have to be this way. Jim: --word, Uuh! Cynthia: Right. Again, I think the ones that we all agree at this table, the physical safety battles and the moral and spiritual values-- John: Uh-hm.
Cynthia: Versus, he gets the tattoo, but he still goes to church. Jim: Hm Cynthia: I give a quick example with Robert. And Laughter his brother just you know, rode him mercilessly about it and-- Jim: Good for him. And in order to-- Jean: Clever. Cynthia: You know-- Jean: That's brilliant. Laughter He's tryin' to see, is she gonna make this-- Jean: He wants the shock factor. Cynthia: --the big deal?
If she makes this the big deal, I win. Jim: And that's the battle. Cynthia: That's the battle. Closing: John: It is so important to know that your child is really tryin' to push your buttons and we've learned how to deal with that on today's "Focus on the Family" with Jim Daly. Give Now Available to U. Guest Cynthia Tobias View Bio. For more than 30 years, Cynthia Ulrich Tobias has been teaching people of all ages how to discover and use the strengths of their natural learning style to succeed in virtually any situation.
Applied Learning Styles. I love doing art, cooking and playing with the kids.
Talking and giving individual attention to each kid really helps build my relationships with them. Watching them grow and develop has been very rewarding. If you have feedback or concerns related to the accessibility of this webpage and resources contained within it, please contact our webmaster via email at website sfusd. If applicable, please include the web address, a brief description of the issue encountered and your contact information. This policy extends to San Francisco County Office of Education, including community school programs and activities.
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